little girl

So I am blogging now, I am not sure how this will work out. I have never been the type of girl that kept a journal, I realized that it was awfully dumb to put all of your secrets in a little book only to be found by your parents (my little sister taught me that). Nor did I have the time to write all of my feelings or thoughts into a little 6" x 6" book. I would start to write and my hand would do this weird cramping thing while I was trying to hold the book open to keep it from slamming back shut. So I thought that I would move to writing in a Word Document on a laptop that my sister gave me. My thinking was that since I think faster than I could write, I could attempt to keep up by typing. This proved incorrect since the computer my sister gave me was not virus protected and would keep popping porn up in the coffee shop. Needless to say, I quit my attempts at journaling until now. 

My friend, Callie Rich, a lovely wife and mother, is my inspiration for doing this blog. While over at her house a couple of weeks ago, she asked me if I would like to view her pregnancy/birth video, I jumped at the chance. It was amazing to see life unfolding (literally) right before my eyes and the documentation of their journey. I begin to yearn for a story. As you may know, I am not a verbal person.  Sure I can be chatty, but I often don't open up or even know my thoughts enough to share them. Some how communication has been arrested in my life....but I know that the Lord has really been changing my heart the past few years.

Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary of sobriety! It is funny when I think back to all the years that I drank and used drugs. Sometimes they feel so far away and the day that I finally gave it up seems just as far. But then I realize, it was not that long ago. So much has happened these three years, I am thankful for the changes that have happened. I have a wonderful marriage to my husband, a warm clean home and a relationship with God. I can remember being sober and waking up in the morning, not throwing up for the first time and cooking breakfast. MAN, that was the best thing ever! I finally loved the mornings. I would make eggs, bacon and toast, brew fresh coffee and sit down with all the windows open enjoying the cool of the morning while reading my Bible and praying. Those were the best times, I really felt God moving in my life and knew that I was truly changed. He made me new and healed my addictions. 

I do long for those times now, it has been hard working full time. Those mornings are not easy to wake up to anymore with a sleeping husband in bed and the darkness of the day. I know that God is calling me to a different place, a place that I have to seek him, to be disciplined. So, I have been trying to wake up earlier to squeeze in  a few minutes with him each day. But it is not enough, I need more of him and less of me.

I need a lowercase life.